


Don't Fear the Reaper

by LexieCarver



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Depressed Dean, Depression, F/M, Guilty Dean, Reckless Dean, Suicidal Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 09:55:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9229514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LexieCarver/pseuds/LexieCarver
Summary: Pairing: Dean x ReaderWord Count: 2,765 (With lyrics to both songs)A/N: I have written one other angst story. Angst is not a headspace I like to go to, to read or write. But sometimes life calls for a little angst. I hope you guys like it.  Major character death, you know whose right off the bat. ANGST, depression, suicidal thoughts, reckless behavior, guilt. It’ll pull on your heartstrings. The rest of the stories I have planned for January and February are all smut and fluff. This was written for @too-much-winchester Kat’s Playlist Challenge with the song, (Don’t Fear) The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult. This was also written for @mamaredd123 and @act74 Mama and Angelina’s Fabulous 300 Challenge with the prompts, character death, the emotion broken and the song, “Dust in the Wind” by Kansas. This was also written for @nichelle-my-belle Nichelle’s 4K Challenge with the prompt, “Sometimes memories are the worst form of torture.”





	

[Also posted on my Tumblr-](http://roxy-davenport.tumblr.com/post/155507740601/dont-fear-the-reaper)

 

Blood so much blood. You were injured, too injured to survive. You tried to stop the blood but it just kept coming. You crouched down behind a tree slowing your breaths and trying to be as quite as possible. You held your weapon high waiting for the monster to find you. If you were going to die you sure as hell were going to take him with you. You heard loud footsteps coming your way. You saw a shadow appearing in front of you and you acted in a manner of seconds. The werewolf was dead. But then again so were you. You looked up at the moon. You closed your eyes feeling the cold air against your skin. You would miss this the most, just being in the world and looking up at the night sky. Your feet got heavy, your eyes were closing, too tired to stay awake. You had lost far too much blood. You slowly collapsed on the floor your eyes closing slowly. You whispered the one name that meant something to you, “Dean.”

 

When you woke up you felt weightless. Looking down you saw your body down on the ground. You were hovering over it. You felt a strong presence in front of you, your eyes scanning the tall figure in front of you. The tall figure with green eyes. The very same shade of green Dean Winchester had.

 

“Dean?” You whispered softly

 

“Y/N?” Dean growled.

 

Before you could get your bearings you found yourself on a bench in a park. You looked around at your surroundings.

 

“They can’t see you,” Dean said in a strangely detached voice. He wasn’t looking at you.”

 

“Dean?” No response. “Dean, please look at me.”

 

Dean slowly turned his face towards you, his eyes watery. A few tears streaking down his cheek. You looked at him slowly, your hand wiping the tears away. Dean took your hand and kissed it.

 

After a bit of silence spent with the two of you gazing into each other’s eyes, you spoke softly to him. “You’re a reaper now?”

 

“Death thought I needed to learn a lesson. It seems me and Sammy keep on ruining the grand design. I am supposed to learn how important and difficult this job can be and stop messing with what should happen.”

 

“And he asks you to reap me?”

 

“Basically.”

 

“Wow…that douche.”

 

Dean laughs a mirthless laugh.

 

“Why were you hunting?” it came out like an accusation. Dean was angry and hurt but he meant to ask you the question with a lot less tone.

 

You knew Dean would be mad and want an explanation. His tone was sadly what you expected. “Straight to the tough questions. OK. Dean let me say my piece. I know you; you interject and make huffs, sighs and grunts. No comments until I’ve said what I have to say.”

 

Dean grumbles and huffs. You hold up your hands as if to say “told you so.” He rolls his eyes and nods for you to proceed.

 

“Before you met me, I was a waitress in a Podunk town. You were a pretty face. We hooked up because … well, why wouldn’t we. Who could resist you? It was fun and easy but I guess you liked me and stayed too long, long enough for the monsters and demons that were on your ass to come find me. Then you had to protect me. I had questions like any sane person would and so you let me in. You could have made the choice then to let me go, to just leave me with question, but you didn’t. You literally dragged me along with you to the Bunker. I was kicking and screaming the whole way, wanting the safety of my old life. In the beginning, I fit in like a sore thumb, always edgy and scared. I desperately wanted to be ignorant again but it doesn’t work that way. You can’t un-know things. Ironically that was the best decision of my life.”

 

You held up your hand when he started to grumble and open his mouth to say something.

 

“I really got into it. I enjoyed hunting and that’s when you left. You left me, mind you with a note, but no chance to talk to you, to explain. I get you don’t do emotions and its easier to just shut out everything and keep moving. I was getting too close to your heart and too good at hunting. You said you wanted me safe. You were giving me an out. What you didn’t realize was that I love you and there was no way out. I never wanted one.”

 

“So this is my fault?”

 

“Wow, you are impressive. Not everything is about you. I know Winchesters have a great destiny but guess what? The world still turns when you don’t make a decision. This is no one’s fault. I am…was … a hunter. That was my choice. Had you stayed would we have worked it out and been together? Isn’t Death like the movie Final Destination? If you saved me from hunting alone then I would have died some other way and maybe we couldn’t be having this moment now. I’m not god, Dean. Death doesn’t give you clarity. It’s just death. I know you blame yourself for everything that happens. But don’t you dare blame my death on you. We just had bad timing and lousy luck.”

 

Dean rubbed his face with his hand sighing deeply.

 

“Why were you alone?”

 

“It was supposed to be one werewolf not a couple! I got my intel wrong. Funny, really. I watched the house for a week and never saw the girlfriend ever even once. Everyone in town thought he was alone. Maybe it was fate?”

 

“You thought there was one? How could you be so stupid? This is why I didn’t want you hunting?”

 

“Wow, Dean. Just wow. We’re spending our last moments arguing? Damn it Dean! I didn’t want to die. I didn’t have a death wish. I just messed up. People mess up and that’s how hunters die. Spare me the righteous indignation. How many times have you died from a mess up? Or killed a friend because of it? Actually that’s sexist of you, Dean. You can fuck up but I can’t? Have to protect the weaker sex from hunting?”

 

“Typical of us always fighting.”

 

“You’re the pig-headed one, Dean.”

 

Dean looked down at the ground.

 

“Why did it have to be you? I love you.”

 

“Who would you rather have it be? I love you, too, Dean.”

 

Dean slowly looked up at you and saw you glow slightly. His eyes widened. He had reaped three other souls before you and none of them had glowed.

 

“You’re glowing?”

 

“So are you. Think that means we’re soul mates.”

 

“I thought death didn’t give you insight.”

 

“Damn it, Dean, stop fighting.”

 

“No. No. I can’t. You’re my soul mate and you’re dead?” Why! How! How is that fair?”

 

Dean stood up pacing the park. Your heart went out to him. As a ghost, emotions weren’t as strong. You hated seeing Dean like this and you knew that your job now was to comfort him before you moved on.

 

“I’ll never be happy again. I mean, not really. Any other woman I try and build a life with won’t be “the one.” “The one” is dead. That’s it for my happiness. When I left you I was destroyed. Nothing felt the same. I was suicidal. Seriously. I would go half-cocked into hunts hoping to die to ease the pain but in my darkest hour I had hope. I had hope that you got out and had kids, had a happy life. You would have made a great mother. Damn it, why didn’t you get out?”

 

“How could I go back to a normal life when I had the chance to save people? How could I be selfish like that, Dean? How could I place my happiness above someone else’s? On this hunt, I saved a little girl and her family. I died for a family, Dean. If I wasn’t there, they would be dead. I know you’re hurting and alone and I am sorry but I couldn’t stop. Had you been there or not, fate is fate. Please don’t be mad.”

 

Dean closed his eyes as tears flowed freely down his face.

 

“How can I go on?”

 

“I don’t want to see you like this. You’re upset, broke, already dead. Please listen to me. I love you. I can’t erase what happened but I can ask that my death mean something. Life is short, Dean especially for hunters. Find someone to be with. Have the family I can never have, have kids. Promise me.”

 

“No one else will compare-.”

 

“It isn’t a contest Dean. We’re soul mates always will be. But you deserve to be happy. You are surrounded by so much death and pain. Please don’t let my death be added to all of that. You carry around so much pain and guilt. My death is on me not you. Find a way to be happy.”

 

You held Dean in your arms as you both cried for all the missed time.

 

“I shouldn’t have left.”

 

“You’re here now. Dean I have to go. You know I have to go. Take me to heaven.”

 

Dean felt like he was kicked in the gut. Not only had he watched you die helpless to save you but now he had to leave you. He didn’t want you to be a vengeful ghost. He knew he couldn’t keep you here but he had hoped you’d at least want to stay. You were being Zen about the whole thing while he was trying desperately not to scream and smash everything in sight. Dean closed his eyes trying to calm himself. You took his hand as he led you to a tunnel with light on the other side. Behind you was a dark shadow getting farther and farther away. Screams and shouts came from what you figured was hell. Dean walked with you through the light. It wasn’t blinding it was warm and comforting. It lit every facet of the world around you, no dark places, no sadness.

 

You burst into tears when you saw your heaven. This was one of the happiest moments of your life. You were with Dean on your favorite day. This was one of the few days he gave up hunting for the week and for a little while everything was perfect; you were a happy couple with not a care in the world. You wished every day was like these few days. Dean looked over and saw your face. He wanted to be happy for you that you were safe with a version of himself, but he couldn’t be.

 

"Sometimes memories are the worst form of torture.”

 

“I am safe with the man I truly love. With you in a perfect memory. I am at peace. Dean please find a way to be at peace, too … for me.”

 

You wanted to stay and comfort him but the Dean of your heaven was calling. And it wasn’t your job anymore to take care of him. So you moved away from Dean and ran into the memories of your past, happy in heaven.

 

Dean ran out not remembering much else. He had a conversation with Death but he was going through the motions. He got black out drunk, lost chunks of time, forgot things constantly, and wasn’t paying attention to anything anyone said. He kept going on hunts, recklessly hoping he would die and see you again but every time he came out alive. He was consumed with sadness and nothing could help him. Sam tried to bring him out of his depression but any mention of you would get him so angry. On one occasion Sam had mentioned your name in passing and Dean broke the dining room table in the Bunker and had his brother by the throat, a furious rage in his eyes. Dean was hardly at the Bunker anymore deciding to hang out at the bar instead. He destroyed a table because someone tried to cut him off at the bar. Nothing meant anything anymore. Everything lost its reason. Dean stopped eating and just wanted to die. He would sit in Baby and listen to “Dust in the Wind” over and over again.

 

The only thing that brought him out was the fact that he was hurting his little brother. They went on a hunt, Sam thinking that Dean would heal by hunting. It always worked for them in the past. But this was too big a wound to heal that quickly or over a hunt. His little brother got hurt because Dean was reckless. Attacking Sam and then getting him really hurt was not okay. Dean needed to stop but he couldn’t. He was addicted to danger and pain because he felt he needed to be punished for what happened to you. He knew it was reckless but he got in Baby playing Dust in the Wind, signing along like he always did since your death. He had memorized all the words though this time he felt content because this time he had a plan.

 

“Preach it Kansas. Nothing fucking matters that’s right.”

 

Tears came streaming down his face. How correct these lyrics were. All we do crumbles. Dean practically howled the next verse.

 

Dean said these verses almost as a whisper.

 

When the song was finished his eyes burned with an intensity he never had before. He had an iron will now, he had to be strong enough to do what needed to be done to see you again.

 

He stood in the middle of a crossroads when a red-eyed demon appeared before him. His eyes were red from crying, his hair disheveled, his clothes dirty from the latest hunt, his jeans ripped and his hands were shaking. Dean looked like a mess. The demon smirked at the famous Winchester’s appearance.

 

“I want to make a deal.”

 

“Go on, Winchester.”

 

Dean gulped. He closed his eyes fighting the voice that was telling him to leave now. He couldn’t leave.

 

“I need you to bring Y/N back.”

 

The demon’s lips curled into a smile. "I believe she’s happy in Heaven.”

 

“10 years for her life.”

 

The demon circled him eying Dean carefully.

 

“What humans do for love, aye? OK Winchester we have ourselves a deal.”


End file.
